Lost Reflections: Season of Pain and Breakthrough
The rainiest seasons produce the best harvests. And the light is appreciated more after enduring the darkness. It gets better. Always.
Writing is a form of prayer for me. It’s purpose isn’t to be recognized or seen by those on Earth. It’s a way I connect with my Creator. It’s a way I connect with myself.
One thing I’ve learned to be true in recent months is the ol’ phrase “two things can be true at once.”
Accepting this as truth is one of the ways I’ve found peace with different, changing aspects of my life. It started with my senior year of basketball and all its blessings and all its woes. It continues as I step into the newest and brightest-feeling chapter of my life: the present.
I realized (after making it through) that my senior year was my hardest year of college basketball. Not only did my minutes dwindle compared to my junior year, but I felt constantly misunderstood. I felt constantly confused. My confidence suffered. My mental health A person can only hold on so long. I almost fell apart.
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There was a point in the season that I told my mom, between tears, that basketball had broken my heart more than any boy ever had, or ever would. My heart still breaks for that version of myself, for that time in my journey. It wasn’t easy.
Several times during my senior year, I felt personally attacked and targeted by others. That was a new experience for me, and it didn’t make sense. What hurt the most, amongst the lies and the cursing and the “jokes” from others, was that mistreatment from others influenced the way I felt toward myself. I don’t think I’ve felt that sad, angry and disappointed in a long time. Or maybe ever.
There were many moments when I felt that my preparation... the conditioning, the lifts and all the training I’d done to prepare for a great senior season.. went to waste. What was the point of putting my body through all of that? It felt pointless. I felt miserable. Although, in hindsight, I don’t accept that my work went to waste, it doesn’t negate how tough the situation felt in the moment.
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I’m usually against dropping expectations. I’m one to want to work to meet the expectations I have for myself and the callings God places on my heart. I know what God can do. I feel that God wants us to show up for ourselves and others with expectancy. He wants us to believe for better. He wants us to walk by faith.
But, for the first time in my life, I saw why dropping expectations of others isn’t always a bad thing. It doesn’t—and didn’t—mean dropping expectations of myself. It meant not expecting others to react, respond and make decisions the way that I would. I believe this realization is a small lesson that I took away from this season. Thank You, God.
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I reached the highest levels of humiliation and embarrassment and humility (if you want to even call it that) than I’ve ever reached before during this past season. I pray and vow to never return to such a low mental state, if I can help it. Especially not because of others’ decisions, for Pete’s sake.
Their decisions are uncontrollables. How I see myself and how I show up for myself are controllables. These factors, and strength from my God above, are where my strength and confidence come from. Not other people. Not how other people see me. Or even how they overlook me.
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I learned a lot. And reflect, also, on the many blessings from this season that I couldn’t have seen any other way. Many of my teammates are lifelong friends now. They are beautiful people with beautiful souls. I was able to become a voice of encouragement for the underclassmen, without always realizing it. Many of my freshmen teammates’ words to me, both during and after the season, revealed a sense of deeper meaning and purpose behind the painful experiences I endured this season. Perhaps these blessings prove that God is still good. Perhaps I proved, through my positive attitude and daily choices, that you can still show up for yourself and others—including those who have mistreated you—even if your situation isn’t ideal. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a voice to someone down the road who needs it.
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So, yes. Two things can be true at once. You can feel both extremely hurt and genuinely grateful. You can feel both doubtful about a situation and hopeful for a better one in the future. You can feel angry toward your environment and appreciative of the friendships you’re making in the process.
Showing myself a more tender sense of grace and understanding is the biggest blessing from this season of my life. I trust God has a bigger purpose for it all. I mean for it ALL. But, as I transition into my next phase of life, I recognize that the twists and turns will never be inherently “good” or “bad.”
There is opportunity and blessings in everything. It is also okay to feel upset sometimes. That is life. That is human.
I pray for everything in due time. I pray for everything on God’s time.
That’s all for now. Love you all.
-GB
